The end

I’m not quite sure if I have the strength yet to write this part of the story – yet L says I must. I have written everything from now and I must put an ending to the story if for nothing else but for my own sanity. On Monday night I had horrendous pains in my right breast it was taking my breath away and my eyes were rolling to the back of my head with each new wave of pain. We called the late night nurse who called for an ambulance, she was taking no chances. When the ambulance came they did a lot of tests, my blood pressure was sky high, by then I was having a little difficulty breathing and they were concerned about a moving blood clot so they took me straight into hospital. To cut a long story short and a hell of a lot of tests later they could find no evidence of a blood clot, my heart was fine, and the tests they did on me indicated that our baby was absolutely fine. However I had started to bleed a little bit so they called an orthopaedic (?) surgeon down to check me over. He had a good look said the baby seemed fine my cervix was still nicely closed and it is possible for a woman to bleed during pregnancy. He was not able to scan me there and then but told me to come back tomorrow for a scan just to double check the heartbeat and everything is fine. We were discharged around 4.30am The next morning we went into hospital again by this stage I was feeling fine and was actually a little excited at seeing the first picture of our baby. Not for one minute could I second guess what was about to happen to us. The doctor started scanning me and it was like a scene from a movie but someone else’s movie. You know when you see their face and you know something is wrong yet you have all of a sudden become mute because you can’t ask the question which will destroy your world. The Dr went out of the room and went and got another Dr’s opinion, by then L started asking the questions wanting to know what was going on, we were gripping each others hands so tightly by this stage I thought our hands were going to fall off. The Dr said she could see no evidence of a pregnancy in my uterus but a heart beat was detected so she wanted to have a look around internally. Eventually they found my very healthy and very good sized baby with a beautifully beating heart sitting at the end of my fallopian tube almost attached to my ovary. Our world had just come crashing down; our baby was ectopic and would have to be taken away immediately as this can be fatal. Especially the size our baby now was. You see the thing is I had been having bits of pain but with never being pregnant before I thought it was all normal and hadn’t even really mentioned it. They rushed us through to A and E I was dressed for surgery (even though I was trying to escape so they could not take my baby away, they had to sedate me to keep me in the hospital). I don’t think I have ever experienced anything like what has happened to us over the last few days and I’m really not sure how L and I will recover. I was discharged from hospital on the evening of the third night, my doctor said I would heal better both mentally and physically at home. Right now the only healing being done I’m sure is where my stitches are, because I just don’t even know how to begin the emotional part. I keep going to hold my tummy only to realise that there is nothing there. Last night I went to say good night to my beautiful ‘em’ only to realise that he had been taken away. The thing I don’t understand through all of this is why me? Why put me through this? Why allow me to get pregnant in the first place if I was never going to be able to keep my baby, The surgeon keeps telling me I was very lucky it could have been fatal – yet I don’t care I would rather still be proudly carrying my baby. I am just not this strong. So life supposedly goes on, but how and where to from here? That was our last go at IVF we will never be able to afford the exorbitant fees they require to make a baby plus mentally and physically I’m not sure if Lee and I could take anymore. My fallopian tube was removed so getting pregnant naturally will never be an option. The thing that really crushes us is we now know I can get pregnant and we can make a baby and we have to live with the fact that we will never be able to for the rest of our lives– when does that become easier? I wish someone had all the answers for me and then just maybe I could start to heal . . . . . . . .

6 weeks

Today I am six weeks – how do I feel? Um like I have run a marathon and then decided to do a thousand sit-ups. My body is really aching, plus I am sooooooooo tired, on a good note though the cold sores are slowly going, so I’m no longer receiving sympathetic looks from strangers!! I keep being told I need to rest loads so most of this weekend has been spent lying/sleeping on the couch and reading my book plus I even watched a movie. So hard to hang around inside on the weekend but it is all for the greater good, and I am definitely not complaining about one single side effect I would have them all a hundred fold if it means my baby is growing!!! I am still so nervous and await Wednesday’s results with trepidation, but I am a little more relaxed that I was this time last week, so that is good. I’ve been informed that it is not good for either me or our baby when I’m running on nervous energy all the time so I am teaching myself to breathe deeply and try and remain calm. Will pop in and see my acupuncturist this week – she will work miracles with my nerves, and give me some renewed energy. Lee surprised me a while ago with tickets to go watch Donovan Frankenreiter this evening, so we will pop over to Waihi around 4ish to watch him. I only hope I can keep my eyes open and remain awake long enough to hear my favourite songs . . . . . .

A picture says a thousand words!!

Goodness I never thought I would see the day when those two pink lines belonged to me! Now I am trying to stay calm, but some days for about ¼ of a second I want to scream from the top of my lungs I”M PREGNANT but I manage to refrain just in case they come and decide it really is time to quick dial the looney farm! So I thought I would put this little picture on display today after I received my blood results as long as everything was alright. And luckily, everything is looking good for now, I feel so blessed. Next blood test on Wednesday – oh that’s a long time to wait! Plus I have been booked in for a scan on the 27th January. Goodness bile rises to my throat when I say that, ohhhh scary/exciting/amazing!! Now they say you are meant to bloom when you are pregnant but the only blooming I am doing is looking blooming ugly. I have cold sores covering my lips, I have spots, I have dark circles under my eyes BUT you know what I don’t care because my wee baby is sucking everything out of me so he/she can grow big and strong. Well best get back to the couch so I can feed L more instructions on how to cook dinner, clean the house, hang out washing and any other jobs that spring to mind. I don’t mind saying I LOVE being pregnant!!

Oh goodness me!

Well in true Spillane fashion (never a family for doing things the easy way!), I have to say I have ridden this rollercoaster, held on tight and am sooooooo ecstatically, amazingly and wondrously happy to inform you all that today I am 5 weeks and 2 days PREGNANT!!!! We can’t believe it and keep looking at each other with stupid grins on our faces. We still have a long way to go yet though before we get to that magic 12 week point; namely an 8 week scan to check that there is actually a baby in the embryonic sac and that there is a heartbeat, plus blood tests every five days to check my hormone levels are continuing to rise (this means I am still pregnant and everything is going along as expected). So I am pregnant pregnant pregnant!! Goodness after all these years trying and all the heart break associated with this crazy journey it is the most amazing thing in the world to be able to say that I am, "up the duff" as the pregnancy book so comically puts it! I keep buying and wee’ing on the pee sticks and watching the pink lines come up to tell me I’m pregnant (picture of wondrous pink line to follow) Mental note: must stop buying expensive pregnancy urine sticks or will become bankrupt and not be able to afford said baby!! I have waited sooooo long to see those lines though and I just can’t help myself. I keep showing everyone who comes in my urine stick, mmmm maybe that is why I am now all alone with no visitors? He he!! So it seems for today little “em” has dug deep and has decided he/she would like L and I to be his/her mom and dad. Goodness I have never felt so blessed. Please let everything continue as it should – I didn’t know it was possible to feel like this – like I’m floating!! Albeit floating cautiously aware of how far we still have to go. BUT for now L and I are very very clever baby making people! Next blood test Thursday please please please little ‘em’ stick around we love you soooooo much . . . .