The end

I’m not quite sure if I have the strength yet to write this part of the story – yet L says I must. I have written everything from now and I must put an ending to the story if for nothing else but for my own sanity. On Monday night I had horrendous pains in my right breast it was taking my breath away and my eyes were rolling to the back of my head with each new wave of pain. We called the late night nurse who called for an ambulance, she was taking no chances. When the ambulance came they did a lot of tests, my blood pressure was sky high, by then I was having a little difficulty breathing and they were concerned about a moving blood clot so they took me straight into hospital. To cut a long story short and a hell of a lot of tests later they could find no evidence of a blood clot, my heart was fine, and the tests they did on me indicated that our baby was absolutely fine. However I had started to bleed a little bit so they called an orthopaedic (?) surgeon down to check me over. He had a good look said the baby seemed fine my cervix was still nicely closed and it is possible for a woman to bleed during pregnancy. He was not able to scan me there and then but told me to come back tomorrow for a scan just to double check the heartbeat and everything is fine. We were discharged around 4.30am The next morning we went into hospital again by this stage I was feeling fine and was actually a little excited at seeing the first picture of our baby. Not for one minute could I second guess what was about to happen to us. The doctor started scanning me and it was like a scene from a movie but someone else’s movie. You know when you see their face and you know something is wrong yet you have all of a sudden become mute because you can’t ask the question which will destroy your world. The Dr went out of the room and went and got another Dr’s opinion, by then L started asking the questions wanting to know what was going on, we were gripping each others hands so tightly by this stage I thought our hands were going to fall off. The Dr said she could see no evidence of a pregnancy in my uterus but a heart beat was detected so she wanted to have a look around internally. Eventually they found my very healthy and very good sized baby with a beautifully beating heart sitting at the end of my fallopian tube almost attached to my ovary. Our world had just come crashing down; our baby was ectopic and would have to be taken away immediately as this can be fatal. Especially the size our baby now was. You see the thing is I had been having bits of pain but with never being pregnant before I thought it was all normal and hadn’t even really mentioned it. They rushed us through to A and E I was dressed for surgery (even though I was trying to escape so they could not take my baby away, they had to sedate me to keep me in the hospital). I don’t think I have ever experienced anything like what has happened to us over the last few days and I’m really not sure how L and I will recover. I was discharged from hospital on the evening of the third night, my doctor said I would heal better both mentally and physically at home. Right now the only healing being done I’m sure is where my stitches are, because I just don’t even know how to begin the emotional part. I keep going to hold my tummy only to realise that there is nothing there. Last night I went to say good night to my beautiful ‘em’ only to realise that he had been taken away. The thing I don’t understand through all of this is why me? Why put me through this? Why allow me to get pregnant in the first place if I was never going to be able to keep my baby, The surgeon keeps telling me I was very lucky it could have been fatal – yet I don’t care I would rather still be proudly carrying my baby. I am just not this strong. So life supposedly goes on, but how and where to from here? That was our last go at IVF we will never be able to afford the exorbitant fees they require to make a baby plus mentally and physically I’m not sure if Lee and I could take anymore. My fallopian tube was removed so getting pregnant naturally will never be an option. The thing that really crushes us is we now know I can get pregnant and we can make a baby and we have to live with the fact that we will never be able to for the rest of our lives– when does that become easier? I wish someone had all the answers for me and then just maybe I could start to heal . . . . . . . .