Groundhog day

It now feels like this is lasting forever – everyday feels like one big groundhog day. I wake up I feel okay for a bit then for some strange reason some evil man decides to have a party for one in my head from about 11 o clock onwards, he is so god damn regular; mental note must get rid of the party man! I can officially say I am over it all, the headaches, the nausea (the standing in the supermarket car park heaving away like a cat with a furball!). Yes this is no longer a fun party train, I am constantly exhausted and I want off!! However on a good note my mom is up here now and looking after me, so when the head is banging my mom is there to rub it, when I am chucking my guts up the moma is there rubbing my back and when I just need to lie there for a while and catch 40 winks she is pottering around looking after everything else to ensure the world keeps turning on its axis, ahhhhh thank goodness for mothers!! I start the next lot of injections on the 4th December and I am supposed to feel a lot better then, counting down the days!!! I don’t remember this part dragging out for sooooo long last time . . . . . . .

Quick dial the looney farm

Sooooo just when I thought I was doing so well it all starts to fall apart – and it only took a few simple words for all the wool to unravel (yes by wool I mean my brain!!!) Someone at work just happened to mention that I had not updated an address, therefore someone hadn’t received a letter they were waiting for and all the pieces fell apart not unlike one precariously balanced domino falling over and then 1000 of others following in its wake. Yes, I have officially lost the plot and now I am off work until I can recover it. A very dear friend used the analogy of bungee jumping to me which makes sooo much sense. The first time you bungee jump you are scared stiff of the unknown, but the second time you do it you are scared stiff of what you know is about to happen – I suppose that is how I feel except it is the third time and I have so much to compare it too. Yes I am scared, scared of being sick, scared of being crazy and mostly scared of this all being for nothing! So the address is mentioned next thing I know my head is going “you are useless at work” “you are useless at making babies” “you are just USELESS” and I could no longer handle it all. I run to my boss, said I was feeling unwell all the while sobbing, run out of work at top speed, made it to the street started running down the street sobbing my heart out, snot and dribble everywhere not unlike a St Bernard when they shake their big head and there is all sorts of wet matter over everything. By this time I am no longer functioning properly, thinking rationally or even breathing very well come to think of it. I desert my car which is parked behind work (could of got it, but that would mean speaking to someone as I was blocked in) . . . so where was I, oh yes running down the street I get to a zebra crossing, a bus has stopped to let the mess that is me pass, I run around to the door still sobbing the driver lets me on – only for me to discover my purse is empty I have NO money. He takes pity on me and tells me just to go and sit down (personally I feel he was slightly concerned that I might get snot all over him!!) I sit down and then suddenly realise I have no idea what bus I am on or even where it is going. So what does every girl do in a crisis – yip they call in a superhero. So I call L sobbing my heart out, I'm unable to get words out he manages to calm me down a little, well, enough to ask me what I can see so he can get some idea of where I am, then asks me the next street name I can see. Tells me to get off the bus as he is coming to get me (and no unfortunately he did not fly in with undies over his trousers, if he had that REALLY would have made me smile) – so I get off the bus sit on the grass where the bus has left me still sobbing and wait for him. When L finally gets to me he laughs at the snot and makeup everywhere gives me a cuddle wipes the tears away and once again the world is a rosy place, my superhero has saved the day. Ahhhhh hormones aye who needs them!! So it is decided I need a little bit of time off work just because I’m not coping so well. Anyway this is all happening because of the injections I have started, they are really screwing with me, all side effects completely normal the nurses inform me, I am following all the normal predicted patterns; NO I am not the only looney tune on the block these drugs are mood altering and NOT in any good sort of way. Mmmmmm now I understand why they advise you to take time off from work over this period, but hey not me because I can cope with anything NOT!!! Besides the emotional side effects are the physical ones, one minute I am freezing cold and in bed with the blanket on next minute I’m so hot I have sweat running down between my (.)(.) I feel like there is a little man in my head with a sledgehammer, one minute I am laughing and the next I am crying and to compound it all I have no idea what is going on, I am completely spaced out half the time. Lee keeps going "what are you doing", and do you know what I have absolutely no idea. I forget what I am about to say I forget what I am about to write I forget . . . . . . . .

Little white lies . . .

So we drove over the Hamilton yesterday, ended up being on Friday instead of Thursday as L had to do extra organising to get the time off work, phew what a long journey for our 7 minutes appointment. And now I am living with guilt – you see I have ticked the two embryo transfer box which is a no no you are only allowed to transfer two embryos if your over 35, have had so many goes and are not publicly funded BUT I have expressed my wishes before with the Dr that this is what we want I mean come on what is the worst that can happen, the cycle works and we end up with twins; now correct me if I’m wrong but the whole point of this is to make a baby so to make two babies would surely be a double bonus???? Even if L does have slight heart palpitations each time I mention the possibility of twins on transfer of 2 embryos, he just smiles and says lets go for it! (He would/will make the bestest dad ever) Is it just me or am I missing something – why do they make it so b****y hard to transfer two errrrrrrrr. Anyway onto the guilt – the nurse was new and she questioned me about ticking the two embryo box – did I know the possible consequences of having two embryo replaced –DUUUHHHHHHHHH! So I smiled sweetly said it had been discussed with my Dr and she signed for it. BUT now I feel bad, she is new and I tricked her!!! L nearly swallowed his tongue when the lies rolled off my lips, he keeps joking with me laughing saying butter wouldn’t melt in my mouth and there I was lying like a seasoned pro to this poor new nurse who is just trying to do her job. Hey shoot me for just being assertive and trying to get what I want out of all this; A BABY!!!!! Anyway she did state it will have to be re-discussed with the Dr at transfer. Oh I will be ready, there are not many battles I set out so determined to win BUT watch this space!!! And what are the IVF instruction booklets from the clinic all about? They tell you about all of the drugs etc and then they go on to mention the side effects of the drugs, well I wont go into all of the side effects and bore you all ( that is to come when they are a reality ha ha!!) anyway one possible side effect listed is ‘pregnancy may occur’!!!!. That is actually listed as a side effect. Um hello have I been standing in the wrong queue for the past 4 year or what – is that not surely the ultimate aim and not just some irksome side effect??? So you may experience migraine headaches, menopausal symptoms oh yea and sorry to tell you this but pregnancy may occur – well thanks for sharing that with me and all this time I was just putting myself through this all just to test my resilience to emotional and physical torture – COME ON!!!!!. Every time I read it I laugh out loud because it is the dumbest thing I have ever read. L is slightly concerned thinking I am losing the plot as I giggle away to myself reading about the side effects and the administration of the injections. Mind due in reality he thinks I lost the plot years ago when we started this journey and I have become obsessed ever since. Hence why this is the end there are only so many years you can live with and love a looney tune before you become one yourself – mmmm maybe that’s what he is scared of he he!!! So Wednesday is the big day, when it all starts – I thought it was Monday so just as well I read my instruction again . . . . yes I’m still putting my ditziness down to ‘waiting to make baby brain’ even if some of you out there reading this have managed to tell me that I have always been like this and ditzy is my middle name. Hummmmph enemies aye who needs them he he!!!! Well Mr Occy is nudging me with his lead I feel he may want a walk beach here we come!!

IVF Survival Kit

A very special friend came over last night, a friend who has been part of this journey herself and is now 20 beautiful, glorious, wondrous and amazing weeks pregnant. She bought me a little pressie that she describes as an ‘IVF survival kit’. It is so cute, funny and thoughtful – everything a girl needs to survive the next 6 weeks. Each little pressie had its very own special label telling me exactly what each item is needed for. I had a squishy teddy bear – because everyone needs hugs A bottle of wine – because when you are allowed still to drink, alcohol is VERY needed A hula girl – to make me remember whatever the outcome a holiday will be required A box of ferrero rocher – actually there was no explanation with these but lets face it who ever needs an excuse for chocolate!! Some beautiful fragrant frangipani body lotion – just because we have to treat ourselves occasionally A paring knife????? – for the days I feel like I just need to stab someone (watch out L he he) And her very own good luck charm a little pair of hand knitted baby mittens with a magnet attached to put on the fridge – to remind me everyday when the going gets tough just why I am on this journey. Goodness her sweetness astounded me and just having someone there holding me up when some days I feel wobbly, who has travelled this road also, makes me feel so much stronger. Actually I have two people on this journey with me who have walked this path both of which are now pregnant and they are my strength and inspiration when it all just gets too much. Anyway yesterday was meant to be a tears free day; after all the gifts I only just held my resolution by the skin of my teeth! I think that is what also makes this journey exceptional, you have people out there who are holding your hand so tight and not letting you go until the ride is over. I suppose here is the part where I say thank you to all those special people regardless if they have travelled this road or not, who love me and want this dream to become a reality as much as we do!!! I love you very much and only hope one day I can be there for you as much as you are there for me! xx

Some people have baby brain i have waiting to make baby brain . . .

So the clinic just called me and they need L and i to physically drive 1.5 hours over to Hamilton to pick up our drugs and sign the consent forms in front of them. Soooo frustrating this is our 4th time we know what we want, i can understand having to do this first time BUT 4th??? Give me a break. . . . anyway off to Hamilton on Thursday afternoon to sign forms and pick up all my injections etc. A 3 hour round trip,$50 in petrol and all for a 7 minute meeting; lovely NOT!!! But i am calm, mmmmmmm calmness is radiating off me he he!! You can tell i am slightly distracted at the moment as i keep doing the craziest things. For instance the other day i bought a birthday card with teddy bears on it for my friends one year old little boy and a get well card for my friend. Wrote on the cards and put them in the envelopes only to discover that a one year old little boy is now getting a birthday card with flowers on it and my friend is getting teddy bears. Mmmmm ditsy or what - I'm sure she will understand. In fact even not distracted it has been known for me to give a card to someone saying 'hello' on the print when i was meant to be saying 'happy birthday'!! Then i drive over to another friends on Thursday pulled up into her driveway she lives in a cul-de-sac only to discover whilst sitting in her drive that not only was i not in her drive way but i wasn't even in her street, it was not a cul-se-sac and my first thought was how did they build all those houses and a road in a week!! (mmm maybe that is one of those thoughts that you should keep private and not actually let people know you thought it as it does make one seem rather stupid!!!). Somehow or another i had taken a wrong turn and ended up in the totally wrong street in the totally wrong driveway - ummmmm slightly embarrassing or what!!! Anyone who knows this area will understand how impossible taking a wrong turn around here actually is! Anyway this is what I'm like leading up the the injecitons - you can only imagine what I'm like actually on the injections which make even the most sensible peoples brain turn to mush!! Oh L is very excited about that, he says each day with me being clumsy and ditsy is hard enough let alone when I'm injecting myself!!!! So my injections which more or less shut my body down and take me into early menopause (very brief summary of quite an involved process) start on the 19 Novemeber - ohhh time is going to go so quick!!

tears already and the journey has only just begun . .

Today I had my first of many blood tests – and started the pill, let the games begin! I am excited yet so scared!!! A girl I’m friendly with in the UK has just announced she is pregnant with twins – how can you be so happy for someone in one breath and yet so disappointed in yourself in the other. My only hope is that I don’t feel like this forever regardless if my end goal is not met. Life cannot continue this miserable – I want to be happy for everyone who achieves what I’m not able – it’s just right now I can’t AND I hate that. I am not a bad person just a good person who has gone a little mad! Or that’s what I tell myself.

Here we go . . .

After thinking it would never arrive and being faced with this cycle being cancelled due to the xmas shut-down, my period has arrived. Only 14 days late – what’s 14 days between friends, arrrgggghhh!! Why did this journey have to start so stressfully why couldn’t I have just got my period on time and eased into it. Oh well I suppose I might as well start as I intend to go on – pulling my hair out in exasperation at my bodies inability to get things right!! So I sit here waiting for my cycle plan – moms coming up on the 27 November to look after me for a bit and to help me cope. I think because so much is riding on this last go I am so much more emotional than previous times. I think mom sees this and just wants to be there to hold my hand for a little bit and rub my back when it all just gets too much.

The beginning . .

So the story – where to begin? Firstly I should say why I am writing this, I thought it would be a nice way to share with all those who care, but feel sometimes they just can’t ask. Plus I thought it would give others an insight into just where someone goes who shares the journey, and to be honest I am writing it for myself – some days I just need an outlet!!! I have a pretty good life; don’t get me wrong you don’t get to 32 years old without a few bumps and hiccups along the way. As they say you have to kiss a few frogs to find your prince well yes I’ve kissed a couple of frogs but all in all I’ve found my prince. Now, this isn’t a soppy love story how I’ve found Mr Right, and we have run off into the sunset holding hands forever laughing. Oh no, this story is real, it’s about a journey, it’s about how you think you can have everything but then one day open your eyes look into your bag of goodies only to discover it is empty – the life you thought you were meant to be living has disappeared and in its place is a bag full of disappointment and bitterness. But I digress, I have to tell the good part and then lead onto the other. This is a story so you need a beginning, a middle and an end I just hope the end to this story is one with a happy ending. Oh I wish it was one of those books we used to read as a child and each time you could choose a different path and end up with a variation on the ending. Well to be honest I wouldn’t choose a different path just re-write the ending so far. But hey who knows where this path will take us maybe the ending was there all along, I just had to read the story a few times to find the right one??? We have a fabulous life, I’ve travelled around the world, visited exotic places, slept under the stars in some of the most amazing destinations. Snorkelled with most unusual fish (can’t say I liked that very much but it all adds to the atmosphere!!), surfed some of the best waves (can’t say I’m very good at it, but hey hum it’s my story), seen the most wondrous sunsets (yip that bit I like, and I’m good at watching sunsets!!!). Felt some of the most silken sands between my toes, skied through forests in Austria, gazed at architecture in Prague, wobbled on the peak of the Eiffle tower (well stood on the glass looking down, just felt like the top – like I said my story, writers prerogative!!), partied hard in the canaries – yea you get the picture life has been good. Hey don’t get me wrong like with anything with all the beauty and wonder there has been a few hiccups, I have shared beds with bed lice and woken up like the elephant man I was that swollen, I have had cockroaches half the size of my hand run across my face in the night, I have been terrorised by seals and dolphins (some would say swam with seals and dolphins but I am terrified of both of them – so terrorised it is), stung by jelly fish, stood on weaver fish, fallen down snowy mountains on but butt backwards because my damn skis wouldn’t go the right way, cut up by gravel after coming off a motorbike in Lombok when I flew around a corner on my bike too quick, yea you get the idea – there have been hard times too!!! But let’s be honest, not all that hard really. So life has been going down the predicted path and you make choices along the way. I have chosen so far to live the life I have thus far lived – well most of it anyway – there has been a few surprises along the way. But all in all I have had a very little cloud but lots of that silver lining stuff, only now the tables seem to have turned on me, my cloud is still silver but there is a grey lining and unfortunately that grey lining these days is overtaking everything, and the silver is slowly evaporating away. My journey I suppose is about re-addressing the balance and pushing the grey away to once again discover that beautiful silver, that happy place, that place where you look in with your rose tinted glasses and everything smells of Johnson baby powder!! So 4ish years ago we decided a baby would complete our life, it wasn’t a big thing just something we thought we would ease into and when it happened it happened, so I went off the pill. Life continued, in-between the travelling obviously work was done, and a lot of that, I worked HARD to afford the other beautiful things. Periods came and went with each one I suppose you could say there was disappointment but still all was well. We knew deep down the time wasn’t 100% right and when we moved from the UK back to NZ, my home land, then everything would get better, everything would come together and our family would be formed. So we moved to NZ, oh what a great decision it was to move back home, my family are all here. My rocks whom without some days life would be unbearable. How did I stay away so long I ask myself over and over??? We bought a house by the beach, finally we had somewhere to call home, something we owned, (well something the bank owned and we throw all our money at, just so one day we can say “ours” and actually mean it!!!) We have a Labrador puppy (Occy) – well you could call him a puppy he is 11 months old 36 kg and just a huge mass of energy; he is my best mate. I come home from work and he is waiting for me each day without fail. When I pull up at the gate the excitement is immeasurable. No I hear what you’re thinking, it’s not because I hold the keys to his too favourite things, the beach and his food – no honestly it’s because he loves me ha ha!! We have a little cat called Indo, um what can I say he steals the best place on the couch, eats his food and every now and then gives Occy a box when he tries to lick his face looking for a stray crump left over in his whiskers from his dinner. Yes the cat is a cat and than just about sums him up!! So life is idyllic???? Well so you would think so, except we were told we would have to enter the world of IVF to make our baby, a world which I suppose in some respects never seemed that scary. You heard the stories – “oh they needed IVF” so they did it and months later they were walking around supporting a big baby bump. No problem, we can do that. Oh if only we knew the journey that takes you to the baby bump could be so harrowing , so emotionally destroying and relationship wrenching would we have run towards that journey with both arms open to embrace it? The honest truth – yes!! We want a baby and will do all that is necessary to complete our perfect 2.4 nucleus. Well it will never be 2.4 just 1 unless we are lucky enough to have twins but yes we would still run there and go through this all again – but um maybe with just a little more caution and a little less share abandonment. The world we had entered was distressing, intertwined with disappointment so deep that some days there is no return from there. But the journey itself will all be worth it if blessed with our very own baby. So we are 3 embryos transferred down – the chips I feel a little against us and we are at present gathering all our strength to start another journey – another rollercoaster journey. The only problem is some hop on this rollercoaster only once, the journey takes them to the perfect place they disembark with their bundle of love and walk away, maybe with surface scaring but all in all it’s ok. Whereas others, like myself, seem to miss this stop each time and instead of stopping at happy life, the rollercoaster tumbles down underground and leaves you there, each time a little deeper, you have to slowly claw your way out and try and get back to that place you call ‘life’. Each time you’re a little more bruised, a little more damaged. Each time your smile takes longer to return and each time you wonder how you are ever going to get on that damn coaster again because it scares the hell out of you. But each time you know you must, as the only way you can get to that happy place is starting the ride again. As a child I was absolutely terrified of rollercoasters and used to avoid them like the plague – seems slightly ironic as an adult I feel like I have bought a life time pass! This time however there is a difference in our journey. This time, no matter where that damn rollercoaster stops I shall not be getting back on. We have decided that this is our last ride. We can no longer continue. We have neither the energy, strength or resilience to start this ride again once we get off. This time if it doesn’t stop at our happy place, we still have to get off and walk away because if we don’t there may just be nothing left in us to ride life’s natural rollercoaster with. So yes a lot is riding on this journey – too much. I used to go to church as a child, religiously saying my prayers at night – as a teenager life changed and I no longer went to church yet I suppose I always have believed there is someone up there. I find myself late at night wide awake staring at the ceiling making bargains with whoever will listen – this time please let it work because if it doesn’t what is there left??? Melodramatic, mawwwah? Maybe, but some days that is how it feels, others are not so bad. I can’t imagine my life childless, I can’t imagine how my days will be filled, no shoelaces to tie, no lunches to make, no stories to read, no bath time - just nothing. To me it seems empty, others cope I know, and I know I also will as I am not a sad person, generally I love life and embrace each day with a smile – it’s just I feel like I have lost my smile. I am told if our final journey is not successful there are coping mechanisms that I will have to put in place to continue with life – it’s just I don’t want to have to! I know if our journey ends here with this ride I will eventually be alright and I will eventually find me again because let’s face it with the last 3 - 4 years of fertility treatment I think I have lost myself a little bit, well actually a lot. I used to be fun, now I just am. I live each day but each day only drags me closer to the day I will start another round of IVF so I suppose once the journey is officially over I can stop feeling and thinking like that and be able to eventually move on ho hum . . . . now those of you who are reading this no quick dialling the loopy farm please and sending me away in a straight jacket, I am alright, I am just writing down how I feel. It is a question I am often asked but often don’t have the strength or courage to answer. So all in all I am ok, I will be ok it’s just if this journey does not end at the place we all want it to, I may take a little while to find me again and remember how to smile from the heart and not just the eyes. Here I am being selfish this is a journey about two people, sometimes I forget that, as I think from talking to others a lot of woman sharing this journey with me forget. It takes two to make this much desired baby. I think because everything is so focused on the woman that sometimes we forget behind this woman (who is going through this crazy time) is a very strong, very amazing man holding her hand tight and not letting her go, because let’s face it some days they really must want to, not only just let us go but probably push us off a cliff to ensure we don’t come back!!! Um er well maybe that is just my partner – yip I do go pretty nutty – but hey it’s not my fault man, it’s the IVF drugs!!! Ha ha! So there we have the background – now just got to wait for the middle part. The part where I will start taking the pill on my October period – probably sometime around the 25!! Bring it on I say as I can’t keep waiting – each day seems like an eternity!

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