The beginning . .

So the story – where to begin? Firstly I should say why I am writing this, I thought it would be a nice way to share with all those who care, but feel sometimes they just can’t ask. Plus I thought it would give others an insight into just where someone goes who shares the journey, and to be honest I am writing it for myself – some days I just need an outlet!!! I have a pretty good life; don’t get me wrong you don’t get to 32 years old without a few bumps and hiccups along the way. As they say you have to kiss a few frogs to find your prince well yes I’ve kissed a couple of frogs but all in all I’ve found my prince. Now, this isn’t a soppy love story how I’ve found Mr Right, and we have run off into the sunset holding hands forever laughing. Oh no, this story is real, it’s about a journey, it’s about how you think you can have everything but then one day open your eyes look into your bag of goodies only to discover it is empty – the life you thought you were meant to be living has disappeared and in its place is a bag full of disappointment and bitterness. But I digress, I have to tell the good part and then lead onto the other. This is a story so you need a beginning, a middle and an end I just hope the end to this story is one with a happy ending. Oh I wish it was one of those books we used to read as a child and each time you could choose a different path and end up with a variation on the ending. Well to be honest I wouldn’t choose a different path just re-write the ending so far. But hey who knows where this path will take us maybe the ending was there all along, I just had to read the story a few times to find the right one??? We have a fabulous life, I’ve travelled around the world, visited exotic places, slept under the stars in some of the most amazing destinations. Snorkelled with most unusual fish (can’t say I liked that very much but it all adds to the atmosphere!!), surfed some of the best waves (can’t say I’m very good at it, but hey hum it’s my story), seen the most wondrous sunsets (yip that bit I like, and I’m good at watching sunsets!!!). Felt some of the most silken sands between my toes, skied through forests in Austria, gazed at architecture in Prague, wobbled on the peak of the Eiffle tower (well stood on the glass looking down, just felt like the top – like I said my story, writers prerogative!!), partied hard in the canaries – yea you get the picture life has been good. Hey don’t get me wrong like with anything with all the beauty and wonder there has been a few hiccups, I have shared beds with bed lice and woken up like the elephant man I was that swollen, I have had cockroaches half the size of my hand run across my face in the night, I have been terrorised by seals and dolphins (some would say swam with seals and dolphins but I am terrified of both of them – so terrorised it is), stung by jelly fish, stood on weaver fish, fallen down snowy mountains on but butt backwards because my damn skis wouldn’t go the right way, cut up by gravel after coming off a motorbike in Lombok when I flew around a corner on my bike too quick, yea you get the idea – there have been hard times too!!! But let’s be honest, not all that hard really. So life has been going down the predicted path and you make choices along the way. I have chosen so far to live the life I have thus far lived – well most of it anyway – there has been a few surprises along the way. But all in all I have had a very little cloud but lots of that silver lining stuff, only now the tables seem to have turned on me, my cloud is still silver but there is a grey lining and unfortunately that grey lining these days is overtaking everything, and the silver is slowly evaporating away. My journey I suppose is about re-addressing the balance and pushing the grey away to once again discover that beautiful silver, that happy place, that place where you look in with your rose tinted glasses and everything smells of Johnson baby powder!! So 4ish years ago we decided a baby would complete our life, it wasn’t a big thing just something we thought we would ease into and when it happened it happened, so I went off the pill. Life continued, in-between the travelling obviously work was done, and a lot of that, I worked HARD to afford the other beautiful things. Periods came and went with each one I suppose you could say there was disappointment but still all was well. We knew deep down the time wasn’t 100% right and when we moved from the UK back to NZ, my home land, then everything would get better, everything would come together and our family would be formed. So we moved to NZ, oh what a great decision it was to move back home, my family are all here. My rocks whom without some days life would be unbearable. How did I stay away so long I ask myself over and over??? We bought a house by the beach, finally we had somewhere to call home, something we owned, (well something the bank owned and we throw all our money at, just so one day we can say “ours” and actually mean it!!!) We have a Labrador puppy (Occy) – well you could call him a puppy he is 11 months old 36 kg and just a huge mass of energy; he is my best mate. I come home from work and he is waiting for me each day without fail. When I pull up at the gate the excitement is immeasurable. No I hear what you’re thinking, it’s not because I hold the keys to his too favourite things, the beach and his food – no honestly it’s because he loves me ha ha!! We have a little cat called Indo, um what can I say he steals the best place on the couch, eats his food and every now and then gives Occy a box when he tries to lick his face looking for a stray crump left over in his whiskers from his dinner. Yes the cat is a cat and than just about sums him up!! So life is idyllic???? Well so you would think so, except we were told we would have to enter the world of IVF to make our baby, a world which I suppose in some respects never seemed that scary. You heard the stories – “oh they needed IVF” so they did it and months later they were walking around supporting a big baby bump. No problem, we can do that. Oh if only we knew the journey that takes you to the baby bump could be so harrowing , so emotionally destroying and relationship wrenching would we have run towards that journey with both arms open to embrace it? The honest truth – yes!! We want a baby and will do all that is necessary to complete our perfect 2.4 nucleus. Well it will never be 2.4 just 1 unless we are lucky enough to have twins but yes we would still run there and go through this all again – but um maybe with just a little more caution and a little less share abandonment. The world we had entered was distressing, intertwined with disappointment so deep that some days there is no return from there. But the journey itself will all be worth it if blessed with our very own baby. So we are 3 embryos transferred down – the chips I feel a little against us and we are at present gathering all our strength to start another journey – another rollercoaster journey. The only problem is some hop on this rollercoaster only once, the journey takes them to the perfect place they disembark with their bundle of love and walk away, maybe with surface scaring but all in all it’s ok. Whereas others, like myself, seem to miss this stop each time and instead of stopping at happy life, the rollercoaster tumbles down underground and leaves you there, each time a little deeper, you have to slowly claw your way out and try and get back to that place you call ‘life’. Each time you’re a little more bruised, a little more damaged. Each time your smile takes longer to return and each time you wonder how you are ever going to get on that damn coaster again because it scares the hell out of you. But each time you know you must, as the only way you can get to that happy place is starting the ride again. As a child I was absolutely terrified of rollercoasters and used to avoid them like the plague – seems slightly ironic as an adult I feel like I have bought a life time pass! This time however there is a difference in our journey. This time, no matter where that damn rollercoaster stops I shall not be getting back on. We have decided that this is our last ride. We can no longer continue. We have neither the energy, strength or resilience to start this ride again once we get off. This time if it doesn’t stop at our happy place, we still have to get off and walk away because if we don’t there may just be nothing left in us to ride life’s natural rollercoaster with. So yes a lot is riding on this journey – too much. I used to go to church as a child, religiously saying my prayers at night – as a teenager life changed and I no longer went to church yet I suppose I always have believed there is someone up there. I find myself late at night wide awake staring at the ceiling making bargains with whoever will listen – this time please let it work because if it doesn’t what is there left??? Melodramatic, mawwwah? Maybe, but some days that is how it feels, others are not so bad. I can’t imagine my life childless, I can’t imagine how my days will be filled, no shoelaces to tie, no lunches to make, no stories to read, no bath time - just nothing. To me it seems empty, others cope I know, and I know I also will as I am not a sad person, generally I love life and embrace each day with a smile – it’s just I feel like I have lost my smile. I am told if our final journey is not successful there are coping mechanisms that I will have to put in place to continue with life – it’s just I don’t want to have to! I know if our journey ends here with this ride I will eventually be alright and I will eventually find me again because let’s face it with the last 3 - 4 years of fertility treatment I think I have lost myself a little bit, well actually a lot. I used to be fun, now I just am. I live each day but each day only drags me closer to the day I will start another round of IVF so I suppose once the journey is officially over I can stop feeling and thinking like that and be able to eventually move on ho hum . . . . now those of you who are reading this no quick dialling the loopy farm please and sending me away in a straight jacket, I am alright, I am just writing down how I feel. It is a question I am often asked but often don’t have the strength or courage to answer. So all in all I am ok, I will be ok it’s just if this journey does not end at the place we all want it to, I may take a little while to find me again and remember how to smile from the heart and not just the eyes. Here I am being selfish this is a journey about two people, sometimes I forget that, as I think from talking to others a lot of woman sharing this journey with me forget. It takes two to make this much desired baby. I think because everything is so focused on the woman that sometimes we forget behind this woman (who is going through this crazy time) is a very strong, very amazing man holding her hand tight and not letting her go, because let’s face it some days they really must want to, not only just let us go but probably push us off a cliff to ensure we don’t come back!!! Um er well maybe that is just my partner – yip I do go pretty nutty – but hey it’s not my fault man, it’s the IVF drugs!!! Ha ha! So there we have the background – now just got to wait for the middle part. The part where I will start taking the pill on my October period – probably sometime around the 25!! Bring it on I say as I can’t keep waiting – each day seems like an eternity!